The Ultimate Self-Care: Saying No
Photo by David Lezcano on Unsplash
We can - and should - say yes
Saying yes always means you’re saying no to something else, actually a lot of something elses.
And that’s not a bad thing.
In fact, as Oliver Burkeman describes in one of my most favorite books, Four Thousand Weeks, we should embrace FOMO - or fear of missing out - “because you come to realize that missing out on something - indeed, on practically everything - is basically guaranteed… which isn’t actually a problem anyway, because ‘missing out’ is what makes our choices meaningful in the first place.”
So, we need to say yes to things … but very few things. And, we need to say yes to the right things … and for the right reasons.
The dangers of people pleasing
Imagine that you’re asked to do something. It is absolutely not something you have to do. And you definitely don’t want to do it. But … you feel you should … so you say yes …
Why? Why do you do this?
When you know you’ll later regret it?
when you’re making 1,000 cupcakes, for a party, for someone whose company you don’t really enjoy
when you’re at a monthly evening board meeting, on a board you don’t want to be on
when you’re an introvert, and it’s the end of the week, and you agreed to go to a loud happy hour, when you really want to be at home with a book and your dog in your jams
WHY?
I’ll tell you why … because, in the moment you were asked, you didn’t want to upset anyone, you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or you didn’t want anyone to be upset with you.
Am I right?
You feel relief in the moment you’re asked by saying yes. BUT, that momentary relief turns to a whole lot of your precious time and energy dedicated to things that aren’t important to you later, and, later, you really regret it.
And, that is the danger of people pleasing. You say ‘yes,’ to your own detriment … for something that doesn’t even matter to you, to avoid the momentary discomfort of saying ‘no’.
How to say no
There are a few components to learning to say no when you’d like to say no.
First, begin to notice the feeling that arises when you’d like to say no … but struggle to do so. The pull to say yes is compelling. Get familiar with it. There’s almost a desperation to it, if that makes sense. You desperately want to say no … but alas, you feel you can’t.
Second, explore the thoughts that contribute to that feeling of ‘but … I can’t say no.’ You feel like you can’t say no because you have a whole story about why you can’t. But … you can. You really can. It’s a choice you’re making.
Work to identify and then challenge those thoughts. Yes, people may be disappointed. Yes, people may be upset with you. It’s okay. They’ll get over it. And if they don’t … it’s not your responsibility (that’s another can of worms, for another post!). Find the fallacies and the untruths in your story and challenge them with facts.
Next, understand that saying no will be uncomfortable. And prepare for that discomfort. Because it’ll be uncomfortable, likely anxiety provoking, but you’re going to do it anyway.
Why?
Because it’s your life, your one and only life.
And it’s your time, your finite, precious time.
And you don’t want to spent it this way.
As I said earlier, whenever you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. And, you’re saying no to the things that really matter, the things that are oftentimes the most important. Disappointing someone momentarily (over something you will not remember a month, or perhaps even a week, from now) isn’t as important as honoring your own desires and needs. And you will need to tolerate the discomfort of disappointing or upsetting someone else in order to do so.
Then … start to say no.
Just say no, knowing it will be uncomfortable or awkward.
And most importantly, don’t undo it. Don’t apologize. You may not even need to give an explanation beyond ‘thanks for the invite, but I’m unavailable.’ Confidently share that you are unable to do the thing, make the engagement, whatever.
And sit with the discomfort that arises when you do it.
This is your main job: say no, and then don’t undo it, and sit with the discomfort.
And then put it on repeat.
It gets easier, I promise. The first one is the hardest. And the next 10, maybe even 20, times may still be wildly uncomfortable.
But it’s worth it. And it’s really, really important.
So do it. And keep doing it.
(And eventually, when you get really confident, you can channel Phoebe from Friends …)
And finally, and most difficult, recognize - and live according to the idea - that your time is limited and extremely valuable. It’s finite, and therefore you don’t have time to waste on things that are not important to you. And … inherent to this point is that you - and whatever is important to you - are worthy of protecting that time.
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