Your Inner Critic: Body Edition, Part 1 - Embody Your Inner Critic
When I say ‘embody,’ I mean to give a it a form.
We’re going to try to put a face, or a visual, to this negative voice.
In doing so, we may discern a purpose for the voice, see how it ties into your identity (how you see yourself), and then create a strategy for how to respond to it.
I used to say all kinds of nasty things to myself about my body. I would never say anything like that to my sister or my friends. In fact, I would read the riot act to anyone else who dared say anything like that to my sister or my friends. And, if they said those things to themselves about their own bodies, I would reassure them, I would contradict them, I would offer kind, compassionate arguments for why such things were ludicrous – and I would believe every word.
But, it all made sense when applied to me. Because I believed those nasty things were true. Not about them. But about me.
My husband would get so frustrated with me. He would tell me I was beautiful, that I looked great. I didn’t always believe him.
He told me that I, in no way, would ever tolerate someone else speaking to me like that. (He was right - I would absolutely have clunked their head into something solid.)
He felt helpless. He would know what to do if someone else spoke to me like that. But, he didn’t know how to respond to me speaking to myself that way. And he didn’t know how to help me see what he saw.
He was battling my inner critic even more than I was.
Because he knew what she was selling was bullshit. But me? I believed her.
Why? Why did I believe her?
Nothing she was saying was remotely true.
Where did she come from? Why did I think it was okay to talk to myself like that, when I clearly recognized it wasn’t okay to say the very same things to others, and when I wouldn’t put up with someone else insulting me?
We receive messages about our own bodies, and about how to feel about our own bodies, from so many places:
Our parents.
Family members.
Teachers.
Coaches.
Other authority figures.
Our siblings.
Cousins.
Friends.
Peers.
Teammates.
Celebrities.
Athletes.
Magazines.
Television.
Movies.
Social media.
Infomercials.
Advertisements.
And on, and on, and on.
Some of these messages are positive. But many are not.
Some of what we’re told is encouraging and supportive and positive and empowering. And some of it is disparaging and critical and bullying and cruel.
Some of us receive more encouraging messages, while still others are bullied.
We remember, and give more weight to, the negative messages than the positive ones. (Social psychologists have identified this tendency as our ‘negativity bias.’)
For some of us, the negativity rolls off more easily; that is, some of us are more resilient to the negative messages and it doesn’t permeate as deeply. But for others, it sinks in … deeply.
Without realizing it, we take it in. We internalize it. We believe it. And, we then make that negative voice our own.
Embody Your Inner Critic
When I say ‘embody,’ I mean to give a it a form. We’re going to try to put a face, or a visual, to this negative voice.
In doing so, we may discern a purpose for the voice, see how it ties into your identity (how you see yourself), and then create a strategy for how to respond to it.
This critic is giving voice to your own thoughts. By identifying it, and giving it a form, we create a bit of distance from such thoughts, to allow you to analyze the content and decide whether you want to continue to believe such thoughts … or not.
For many people, their inner critic is their own voice; for some, it’s the voice of their current self, and for others, it’s perhaps the voice of a younger self. Other people find that it’s clear that they hear the voice of their parent, a former coach, a high school bully offering insults and criticism.
For this exercise, don’t think too hard about your responses. It’s best to note the first thing that comes to mind. Consider the following factors about that negative inner voice, your inner critic:
When did it first appear?
Does it feel like this negative voice has always been there? Or, do you remember it showing up at a specific time – adolescence, perhaps? – or after a particularly important event?
Is the voice recognizable?
Do you hear your own voice, or the voice of another? Is it a clearly defined voice, or is it vague?
How old does the voice sound? Can you put an age to it?
How does this critic present information?
Loud, or with a reasonable volume?
Harsh and commanding? Cajoling? Persuasive? Pleading?
Condescending? Or, reasonable and matter of fact?
Note any other descriptors or the way in which this negative inner voice operates to convince you.
What are the topics about which this negative inner voice criticizes you?
It may be about solely one thing – for example, the topic we’re exploring, your physical appearance and body image.
But, often, this negative voice may pick you apart in many different areas of your life.
What do you think your inner critic is trying to accomplish by speaking to you in this way?
Possible motives may include providing motivation, working toward goal accomplishment, prevention of failure, or (over)protection or keeping you safe.
What physical characteristics can you apply to the voice?
Many times the voice will bring up a clear image of an actual person: your own self, your mom, your former coach …
But, I’ve often had clients flesh out the physical form they imagine their inner critic might take which is not based on an existing person. Consider height, weight, body shape, gender, hair color, mannerisms, and any other physical attributes you can assign.
What other characteristics can you apply?
How would you describe the voice? For example, nasal, deep, shrill?
What is their personality like? Perhaps vapid? Or maybe confident and intimidating?
Are they intelligent?
How does your critic dress?
How might they be employed?
The sky is the limit here to finish off the details.
Now, with all of this information, create a picture in your mind, with as much detail as possible, of your own inner critic.
Don’t hold back. Create. Bring your critic to life.
Can you see them? Hear them?
When you close your eyes can you hear the negative things you say to yourself coming out of the mouth of this embodied critic you’ve imagined?
I’ve had many clients say their inner critic is themselves, or their parent, or a bully from high school.
But, I’ve also had clients create images of their inner critic not based on an actual person from their lives. My wonderfully creative clients have imagined their critics to be a variety of cartoon characters; dumb jocks; little, cranky old men; exacting accountants; and beautiful, sophisticated, and vapid women.
Your negative voice, your inner critic, has been created by your individual circumstances, the things that you have placed emphasis on, the things you feel ashamed about, and the things you think are wrong with you and must be changed. This critic will therefore be a very specific, individualized manifestation of you. The more detailed and specific you can embody it to your own experience, the better you’ll be able to craft personalized, effective responses to it.
I’ll detail how to do that next week in ‘Your inner critic – Body Edition, Part 2: Responding to Your Inner Critic,’
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This blog post is offered for educational purposes only and should not be confused as therapy or psychological care.