Perfectionism can steal your soul
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
-- Brené Brown
Perfectionism is good … isn’t it?
Perfectionism defined: a striving for flawlessness, the need to be – or appear to be – perfect.
By striving perfectionists, it’s viewed as simply trying to be your best self. And, striving for perfection is often portrayed as a positive, desirable attribute, and viewed as necessary for success.
But, there is an ugly underbelly to perfectionism.
Perfectionism is not about healthy goal setting, goal achievement, and personal growth.
Rather, perfectionism is very often a defense mechanism, an attempt to protect ourselves from criticism from others, and from internal shame and doubt.
Our self-worth is vulnerable. We can be easily hurt by the judgment of others, and we take what others think of us to heart, incorporating such external beliefs into our own self-concept.
When we strive for perfection, we’re often attempting to use it as a force field against disappointment in ourselves, and disapproval and rejection from others.
But, because perfectionism often involves setting excessively high, unrealistic goals, it’s likely that we won’t achieve those goals. And then, the very thing we’ve been trying to avoid happens: we fail. And, we respond with self-criticism, and blaming, and feelings of worthlessness. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How can striving for perfection steal your soul?
It’s often rooted in fear.
“At it’s root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.” -- Michael Law
Perfectionism is an attempt at control. When we strive for perfection, we are trying to guarantee a certain outcome, because we cannot tolerate the alternative.
We define these concepts with black-and-white, all-or-nothing, either-or thinking: that is, there is either perfection or failure. There is no gray. Nothing is acceptable other than perfection.
Perfectionism is therefore often driven by fear of making mistakes, of disapproval, criticism, and rejection, of failure.
It’s unattainable.
Because of the role that either-or thinking plays in the concept of perfectionism – it’s either perfection or failure – we’re most often going to fail.
There are some people who can – and do – reach the absolute heights of their sport, their craft, their field. I often think of Olympic athletes as an example. But, achieving perfection can come at a cost. (If you haven’t seen the HBO Documentary The Weight of Gold, it’s worth watching.)
For the overwhelming majority of people, however, reaching such heights is not possible. Perfectionists will strive for excessively high, unrealistic goals. And, then become unreasonably unsatisfied with entirely satisfactory efforts and results … because those results are not perfect.
It can be paralyzing, and prevent forward movement.
Perfectionists often struggle to start tasks. Because they’re fearful they don’t know how to do it, or won’t do it perfectly, they are unable to initiate the work. They struggle mightily with procrastination.
Perfectionists also often struggle to complete – or turn in – projects. They may repetitively review and proofread, and be unwilling to call the project complete until it is perfect. Such behaviors may delay a project, taking an unreasonable and excessive amount of time.
It’s worth noting that this pattern of behavior applies to large projects and small tasks, like responding to e-mails, alike.
It is marked by an inability to tolerate a ‘less than perfect’ result.
Because results are so very often imperfect, people struggling with perfectionism are therefore continually disappointed in the results and are then self-critical and feel worthless. They beat themselves up for their poor performance and worry about screwing up again in the future.
This pattern is a recipe for increased depression and anxiety, and reduced overall emotional wellbeing, outcomes clearly associated with perfectionism.
It is self-defeating, and fosters low self-worth.
Perfectionism does not build us up. It doesn’t make us feel good about ourselves. It does not foster compassion, and it doesn’t build our self-worth.
Because it – by its very definition – labels so many of our successes as failures. Very often our best is absolutely good enough, but, as we’ve seen, if it’s not perfect, it’s believed to be a big, fat failure.
It invites self-criticism. And, it thrives on us believing we’re less than.
It puts focus and emphasis on the things that do not matter most.
Perfectionism is often based on the approval of others, and is often driven by avoiding – at all costs – the rejection, judgment, and criticism of others.
What choices do we make – and how do we live – when the perceptions of others are a foremost priority in our lives?
What do we rob ourselves of – what limits do we set in our own lives – when our decisions are driven by what others think?
Perfectionism sets up a false hierarchy of what’s actually important in our day-to-day lives, as well as our vision for our future.
And, it perpetuates a vicious cycle.
Perfectionism involves setting excessively high, unrealistic goals. Many of those goals – by definition of being unrealistic – are unlikely to be achieved to the perfectionistic level that would satisfy a perfectionist and constitute a success.
Therefore, when that happens, what’s the explanation for the failure?
Because we suck.
Not because the goal was unrealistic. Not that we gave our best effort and have every reason to be satisfied with the attempt.
No … because we’re not good enough, because we’re worthless, because we didn’t try hard enough …
And what do we do in response? We set another unrealistic goal and try again, and are likely to be unsatisfied with our efforts or the outcome, and criticize ourselves … and the cycle continues.
As Elizabeth Gilbert writes of perfectionism:
“It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death.”
Remember, perfectionism is not the equivalent of healthy goal setting, goal achievement, and the process of self-growth. It’s an entirely separate animal.
To identify perfectionism, look for:
a lack of satisfaction with your best effort;
always needing - regardless of what it is - to produce A+ work;
efforts to be perfect interfering with your ability to start or finish small or large projects;
efforts to be perfect interfering with your ability to tolerate what you’d define as ‘failure’; and
holding yourself to a much higher standard than your friends or colleagues.
These tendencies can create a pattern of behavior that can take a terrible toll on your emotional wellbeing, your sense of self-worth, and your ability to live fully and meaningfully. Perhaps explore whether being perfect is worth the cost.