The courage of living curiously
When you courageously throw your attempts to control, predict, plan for, and decide to the wind and choose to ‘Allow,’ you embrace the inherent uncertainty of life.
Choosing a ‘Word of the Year’ …
I was first introduced to the concept of choosing a ‘Word of the Year’ in 2015. (This practice is about setting an intention or a theme for your year. It can be informed by a goal or a sense of how you’d like your year to feel. It can be a replacement for a New Year’s Resolution, or you can choose one every quarter or every season.)
At the end of 2015, I was over halfway through completing my 200-hour yoga teacher training program, and had begun to realize that the skills I was learning were going to result in a shift in my professional life. I had a thriving forensic psychology private practice at the time and had no intention beyond deepening my own personal yoga practice upon entering the training program. But, the more I learned – and the more I meditated – the more I began to consider how I might create a therapeutic practice integrating yoga and psychotherapy.
But, I had absolutely no notion of what that practice would logistically look like. I had vague ideas, of course, but there was no plan.
When I went to choose my Word for 2016, words came to mind easily … Fire. Determination. Strength. Ambition. Achieve.
But, I intuitively knew those words weren’t right … as those attributes are firmly in my comfort zone. I’m a go-getter, a hard worker, a goal achiever.
No … what I needed was a word that captured this new shift I was moving toward with my yoga training, this new approach to letting go of trying to figure everything out, letting go of having to have all the answers, letting go of control.
My Word for 2016 was … Allow.
Ugh.
The definition of ‘Allow’ – to give the necessary time or opportunity for, to make a possibility, to permit something to happen
Ugh.
Way outside my comfort zone. The opposite of figuring out. The opposite of having all the answers. The opposite of control.
And yet, there is immense freedom when you Allow. When you set down your attempts to figure out and control, you get the gift of approaching your life with curiosity and excitement instead of fear.
Why bother allowing?
Fear and anxiety are inherently part of the experience of ‘Allowing.’ When you attempt to decide, or plan for, or figure out, or control a situation when you really are unable to do any of those things, you’re attempting to create a safe, predictable space for yourself where you know what will happen next.
But … that’s not actually possible.
When, instead, you 'Allow', you voluntarily choose to loosen your grip on the reins, to let go of the fallacy that simply because you make decisions and plan and predict, that things will go consistently with that vision.
When you courageously throw your attempts to control, predict, plan for, and decide to the wind and choose to ‘Allow,’ you embrace the inherent uncertainty of life.
In my case, when I chose ‘Allow’ as my Word for 2016, I permitted myself, for the first time in my life, to not have a rigid plan for how I was going to accomplish my goal: to create and launch a private therapy practice. Instead of how I approached creating and launching my private forensic practice years before, this time, I trusted that I would know what to do when I needed to do it, and that the process would unfold organically.
I set an intention. I explored, roughly, what I envisioned for my practice, but stayed open to how that vision may change. I would not rigidly stick to the plan I created but would remain fluid and flexible, responding to what presented itself along my path. I identified concrete steps I could actually take to move the ball forward, rather than trying to figure everything out and answer questions I couldn’t possible answer until later. I talked about my intention and shared my vision, a lot; I had lots of enthusiastic conversations with friends, family, and colleagues. And, most importantly, I approached the process with curiosity and enthusiasm rather than from a place of fear, anxiety, and the need to control.
I am absolutely not saying that I had a wish for a private therapy practice and it suddenly came into being because I ‘allowed’ it to happen, like magic. No. The concrete tasks I had to complete – e.g., create a website, find a space to see clients, marketing strategy – needed to happen whether I was ‘allowing’ or controlling. And, I will also note that it is a lot of work to create, launch, and sustain a small business (as it is not lost on me that 20% of small businesses fail within the first year, 30% within the second, and 50% within the fifth year.)
What I am saying is that the mindset I adopted, and therefore the manner in which I approached this task, was key. When you allow instead of control, you permit curiosity and excitement - instead of fear – to take the lead, creating an entirely different emotional experience.
How to ‘Allow’
Set an intention.
Create a vision. Set a goal. What do you want to do?
(Please note: these steps can apply to absolutely anything … starting a family, getting fit, starting a business, shifting careers, seeking a partner … because it’s almost entirely about attitude and mindset, attachment, and control.).
Envision the path to completion, but only get as detail-oriented as reality allows. Approach the plan with hope and educated guesses rather than certainty and rigidity. And leave room for flexibility as new ideas and paths – you could not have anticipated – show up along the way.
Give your best effort.
Get to work! Pursue your vision. Execute on the concrete tasks you’ve identified.
Do your best but don’t expect perfection. Allow for exploration of mistakes and consider whether they inform important pivots and path changes you might need to make.
Get curious and excited. Wait to see what will happen.
As you move forward with your plan, acknowledge discomfort and fear that arises with the uncertainty and the unknown, and attempt to balance it with curiosity and excitement.
“I wonder what will happen next …” “I’m excited to see whether this will work …”
Challenge – and refrain from engaging in – tendencies to attempt to figure it out, plan for things you can’t actually plan for, and answer questions for which you don’t have all the information to be able to answer. These behaviors are simply attempts to control things you can’t actually control, in an effort to feel less discomfort and fear (which only serves to increase the discomfort and fear).
Trust that you can respond to what shows up.
Again, acknowledge the discomfort that arises with uncertainty, and respond to it with self-assurance and confidence.
“I can handle what comes…” “I’ll figure it out…”
Because we really don’t have a crystal ball, we can’t know or see when a plan may not work out. If it doesn’t, then you move into action. You assess. You pivot. You take the opportunity to change course if you need to and you move in a different direction. You handle it. You figure it out.
Having the confidence to say “I’ll figure it out” is incredibly empowering. It frees you from having to know (which you can’t do anyway) and stands you firmly on constantly shifting ground (the inherent uncertainty of life).
And, let go of your attachment to the outcome.
If you’ll only be okay if things must go according to plan, you are going to suffer.
How often have we heard someone say they would never have chosen something that happened, but that it was the very best thing that could have happened?
We have a limited view of what’s out there, and of what we truly need. Sometimes we don’t know we need something until it’s there. We could never have anticipated it, or planned for it. And would therefore never have chosen it.
Set an intention. Move forward with that plan, but remain open to the possibility of pivot and failure, and that such pivot and failure may be exactly what you needed, to point you in the direction you really needed to go.
I was never going to be a therapist. Me becoming a therapist was a joke when we were in graduate school.
I had a plan. I executed the plan … and well, mind you: a thriving private forensic psychology practice. I fulfilled the goal.
And, fortunately, I listened to my inner voice whispering, “Now what?” That voice got louder the more I meditated.
I had an idea. A loose idea of maybe what I’d do next. And I allowed that plan to develop and form organically over time, with some direction from me, but ultimately allowing time to pass and the direction to become clear.
If you had told me seven years ago I’d be a therapist living in New York City, I would have bet every single penny that there was no possible way either of those things were going to happen. And yet … here I am: a very happy therapist, living in New York City.
Allow, and live curiously, my friends.