How to Explain Anxiety: The Irony of Anxiety
What is irony?
As Alanis Morisette beautifully illustrated, irony is when things are deliberately contrary - or in the exact opposite way - to what we expect. And, it’s often funny as a result … but not always “ha, ha” funny; more peculiarly, or paradoxically, unexpectedly funny.
Alanis’ examples:
winning the lottery and then dying the next day
a death row pardon two minutes too late
ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife
You with me? (You’re singing it in your head now, aren’t you?)
Okay, so what’s ironic about anxiety? Lots of things …
How to Explain Anxiety: The Irony of Anxiety
01. The harder you try …
Try not to think of a pink elephant.
Keep trying … concentrate your energy toward trying to NOT think of a pink elephant.
Pink elephant. Pink elephant. Pink elephant.
PINK. ELEPHANT.
The more energy you put toward trying to NOT think of something, the more we think about it, right?
But, isn’t that exactly what we do with anxious thoughts?
Something scary - or an intrusive, unwanted thought - pops into your head. And you try to shove it away. You desperately try to stop thinking about it … Stop. Stop. STOP!
And, what happens?
You feed the thought. You nourish the thought. You energize the thought.
The more you try to stop thinking about it, the harder you try to banish it, the more you try to make it go away, the more space in your mind it occupies.
And the more anxious you feel.
02. The harder you try … take 2 …
It’s the same with behavior.
Have you ever sat down to meditate and felt more anxious? Or, you’ve tried everything to calm down and it only makes it worse? You Google a health condition, seeing reassurance. In the case of relationship anxiety, you repetitively ask your partner if they really do love you.
The behaviors themselves are not necessarily problematic; it comes down to intentionality.
If you go into whatever you’re doing with the intention, the desire, the desperate need to lower your anxiety, it won’t work.
In fact, the harder you try to make it go away, the bigger, scarier, and stronger it gets.
03. A self-fulfilling prophecy
Anxiety is often anticipatory.
When we’re anxious we expect bad things to happen. We fully believe they’re going to happen. We believe it so much that, in the time leading up to the pending catastrophe, we plan what we’re going to do in response. Sometimes we even make contingency plans to account for all of the other ways it could go wrong … so we’ll be prepared.
But, believing bad things are going to happen, and being prepared for bad things to happen, creates anxiety.
Can you see the vicious cycle?
We want to be prepared in case the something bad we’re anticipating happens. When we put our energy into that planning, we feed the fear. We plan to feel less anxious, but we create more anxiety, we worsen our experience of anxiety.
It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.
04. The illusion of control
Anxiety is rooted in uncertainty. We don’t like uncertainty. Uncertainty is uncomfortable.
If we could just be certain, then we could relax…
But, all our efforts to obtain certainty - planning for the worst case scenario, making contingency plans, searching for information online, seeking reassurance from others, refreshing our screens, all the checking and double checking - only provide the illusion of control.
We’re spinning our wheels. It’s entirely wasted energy.
All of those efforts make us feel like we’re doing something to get an answer, to be more in control. It tricks us into feeling productive.
But, the more you try to obtain certainty, the more you try to control, the less in control - and the more anxious - you feel.
What can we do instead?
I’m not going to pull any punches - these are hard, guys.
Intuitively, the way we respond to anxiety makes rational sense: steer clear of scary, uncomfortable things. But, we must - paradoxically, ironically - do the opposite.
01. Accept rather than struggle
Stop fighting against it.
Notice and accept that you’re anxious. Observe the anxiety-producing thoughts and don’t try to stop them. Allow them to float on by - and choose not to engage.
Allow your mind to think anxious thoughts. Everybody has thoughts that don’t make sense.
Instead, make a different choice with regard to how to respond to them.
02. Refrain from avoiding and instead seek exposure to discomfort
Similarly, notice the urge to run, to avoid, to try to control, to make sure, to double check, to seek information, to seek reassurance … and choose not to do so.
Sit with - and, not only sit with - but embrace discomfort. Don’t fight against it, and allow it to dissipate.
Accept what shows up, even when it’s uncomfortable.
03. Practice self-compassion
Be kind to yourself.
Give yourself some grace.
Speak to yourself as you would a dear friend who is struggling mightily. Talk to yourself as you would talk to them.
Recognize that there’s nothing wrong with you if you struggle with anxiety. Give yourself some credit for doing the work to take charge of your life, and live bigger and more fully.
Concluding Thoughts
Anxiety thrives in the paradox, in the irony. The harder we try to get rid of it, the more anxious we feel. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, turning our intentions against us, and creating the very thing we are trying to prevent. And, it sneakily makes us believe that we’re in control and that certainty is attainable.
Isn’t it ironic?
Recognizing these patterns in our thoughts and behaviors, and then working to accept rather than rail against our experience of anxiety; make different choices in the moment; and treat ourselves compassionately allows us - over time - to shift these patterns.
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