When will this be OVER? Thriving with uncertainty in this most bizarre of times
Thriving with Uncertainty
Learning to tolerate – and even embrace – uncertainty is a skill that can be learned. And, doing so can change your life.
Things don’t always go the way we plan. There are so many stories of how this summer – this year, the start of this decade – was supposed to go.
We were going to get back in the dating game.
We had vacation plans.
Let’s buy our first house!
Let’s start our family!
We were going to run races, maybe our first 5k or full marathon.
We were going to walk at graduation.
The business we had just opened was going to have an amazing first year.
Our family-owned restaurant was going to continue to thrive and be operated by future generations.
We were going to compete at the Olympics.
After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, we had this last year or two to travel and live life to the fullest …
544,000 families worldwide were supposed to have so much more time with those they love …
And it’s not over … we hear about surges and second waves. We hear it’ll be a year (or more?) before there’s a vaccine. There are so many questions and very few answers.
How do we get through this? Is there a way to not just survive this, to not just exist through it? How do we not just put our lives on hold until this is over, not let it destroy us?
Uncertainty is unavoidable. And yet, we do our very best to ignore it. We pretend that when we make decisions, life will comply and go along with our plan. We believe we have control, and we behave as such.
Thriving in Uncertainty
Learning to tolerate – and even embrace – uncertainty is a skill that can be learned. And, doing so can change your life.
You become able to live more fully, in the actual moments of your life. You also learn to welcome the twists and turns that life throws your way, recognizing that sometimes the plan you were working may not have been the best plan after all. And, it creates resilience: because when the unexpected is devastating, feels unsurvivable, and utterly shatters our world, we must be able to recover and, perhaps not as before, but go on.
Normalize
We cannot expect ourselves to feel “normal” when our world, right now, is not. Give yourself permission to respond to what is going on around you, the utterly bizarre circumstances of today.
And, recognize that you are going to have a reaction. You are going to have some feelings about it, and those feelings may not be positive.
Recognize too that you are not alone in this experience. You are not the only one experiencing fear, overwhelm, emotional paralysis, sadness, frustration, annoyance, anger, apathy, helplessness, hopelessness, or devastating grief in response to the world being shuttered, to the world as we know it changing almost overnight.
Accept
We attempt to control that which we cannot predict. And, we often resist that which we do not choose.
When things cannot be different, but we continue to wish them to be, we create suffering for ourselves.
To tolerate – and, yes, thrive with – uncertainty, we must accept that there are many things we cannot control, that sometimes we don’t get to know, and that we don’t always get to choose.
Acceptance doesn’t mean being okay with it or that you have to like it. It simply means recognizing that you can’t change it.
And, then, from there, what can you do in response? Identify what you can do, choices you can make, and things within your control.
Feel
There is a difference between genuine feelings and manufactured feelings.
Genuine feelings occur when you assess a situation accurately and realistically and have an emotional reaction to that occurrence. For example, when a loved one passes away, we realize that we will not see that person again, and we consequently grieve. This is a genuine feeling.
Manufactured feelings, however, are created by inaccurate thoughts. ‘What ifs’ are very often inaccurate thoughts. Believing we must have control in order to be safe is another inaccurate thought. When we believe such thoughts, we create negative emotion. These are manufactured feelings.
We need to learn to be able to tell the difference, and learn how to feel, experience, and process our genuine feelings, and how to respond differently to manufactured feelings.
Challenge
So … what do we do with the manufactured feelings?
We challenge them. We question whether the thoughts contributing to such feelings are true. We examine the evidence for such thoughts. Often, they come up wanting, which allows us to believe them less, which causes less emotional distress.
We may also reframe the thoughts leading to such feelings.
For example, try the Even Though strategy.
Fill in this statement: Even though ____________, ________________.
Even though there is no end of sight to this pandemic,
- I still have a job, OR
- I get to spend more time with my partner / kids, OR
- this down time has really helped me prioritize my life.
The simplicity of this intervention makes it super easy to use and remember. And, the structure of the statement prompts you to first say something negative, and then prompts you to balance the negative with something not necessarily positive but hopefully something reality-based.
Challenging our behaviors is also important. We often find that seeking information, seeking reassurance, and making contingency plans – do you see the ‘what if’ in there?!?! – make us feel better in the moment. They are our attempts to manage the uncertainty, to avoid the negative feelings that arise from uncertainty, to deny that things are uncertain … and in the long run, these behaviors make our negative emotions worse. They impede our ability to accept, which prevents us from thriving.
Gratitude
David Steindl Rast explains grateful living as “trust in life.” He explains that we have many, many opportunities to distrust and fear. He explains that if you spend your life in distrust, and in always questioning life, you will be miserable. He posits that if you, instead, decide to trust in life – and for our purposes, embrace the uncertainty inherent in that trust – we look for opportunities in all the moments of our lives.
There is no guarantee that the moments we receive will be good. Living this way does not mean we will not face hardship and grief. It does not mean bad things will not happen.
But, it provides a means by which we can find joyful moments in the midst of unhappiness. It provides an opportunity to accept what comes, even when it’s bad, and live anyway.
Engage
Find ways to engage in the life you’re actually leading. Choose not to wish things were different but accept and engage with the way things are.
We just moved to New York City, and we are now unable to explore the City in the way we envisioned. Our time here is very different than we planned and expected. We are understandably disappointed. In response, we’ve accepted the truth of these circumstances and made a shift: we’ve decided to have a super outdoorsy summer (there’s fantastic hiking in NJ and NY … and we are also now near the coast!) and we’ve also embraced our tiny kitchen, putting energy to nourishing ourselves with cooking and baking.
Uncertainty requires us to shift and change, be flexible and accommodate. In order to live fully, we must engage in all the moments of our lives … as they are, not as we wish them to be.
What opportunities present themselves to you in this most bizarre of times? Even if these are not moments of your choosing, what lessons can you learn? With whom can you connect more deeply? How can you rest? Can you connect more significantly with your body? What can you perhaps do now that perhaps you could not do before?
Although it may not be what you wished, and although we don’t know what’s coming, we have the gift of today, we have the gift of this moment. How do you want to spend it? Can you begin to learn to accept what is, embrace uncertainty, and “trust in life”? Even if the circumstances today are not what you wanted – perhaps in the most brutal, devastating way, not what you wanted – what lessons can you learn?
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This blog post is offered for educational purposes only and should not be confused as therapy or psychological care.