How NOT to Treat Anxiety: 5 reasons why “STOP IT!” doesn’t work
“STOP IT!” just identifies an unwanted thought and attempts to shove it away while making you feel badly about yourself and ignoring your emotional experience.
Shoving the thought aside and ignoring your feelings simply exacerbates the very things you’re trying to stop.
A woman goes to see a therapist about her fear of being buried alive in a box. The therapist diagnoses the woman with claustrophobia and offers a technique for her to try.
(This is the premise of a skit performed by Bob Newhart and Mo Collins on the sketch comedy series MAD TV. It’s six minutes worth watching. If you’d rather watch it than read my description of it, PAUSE NOW, then come back! You can find the skit here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow0lr63y4Mw)
The therapist tells her, “I’m going to say two words to you right now. I want you to listen to them very, very carefully. Then I want you to take them out of the office with you and incorporate them into your life … Here they are …
STOP IT!
He invites her to share any other difficulties she is experiencing. She shares that she is bulimic, has self-destructive relationships with men, and is afraid to drive.
In response to each disclosure she shares, each vulnerability she demonstrates, he shouts at her, “STOP IT!”
He demonstrates no empathy for her, aside from shuddering when he imagines her fear of being buried alive in a box, acknowledging that it “sounds frightening.” He insults her and even calls her names: “Are you a nut of some kind?” “Don’t be such a big baby,” and “Get in the car and drive, you kook!”
The patient – understandably – gets angry and tells the therapist, “You stop it! You stop it! … I don’t like this. I don’t like this therapy at all. You’re just telling me to stop it!”
She’s absolutely right! She shouldn’t tolerate a therapist minimizing her distress, ignoring her pain, calling her names, and telling her to just knock it off.
But … I’m going to guess … that – at least sometimes, perhaps often – you speak to yourself in exactly this way. Does your inner voice work as this therapist does? Do you attempt to motivate yourself by criticizing and demeaning yourself, denying your struggles, and telling yourself to just stop it?
I’m also going to guess that you are wickedly smart and quite self-aware. You intellectually recognize that the things you’re worried about may be exaggerated. And you’re likely frustrated with yourself for not being able to turn it off. So, you tell yourself you’re crazy, you call yourself names, and you tell yourself to get over it, to knock it off, to STOP IT!
In the skit, we can clearly see that what the therapist is doing isn’t going to work. That’s why it’s funny. It’s absurd.
So … why do we think this strategy will work when we do it?
Why “STOP IT!” doesn’t work
“Thought stopping” has been debunked.
There is a psychological intervention called “thought stopping,” in which a therapy client is instructed to suppress their thoughts. When they experience an unwanted thought, they yell “Stop!” at themselves or snap a rubber band on their wrist to serve as a distraction. They can also be instructed to set a timer for say, 3 minutes, and yell Stop! at themselves every time the negative thought shows back up.
This doesn’t work.
In fact, it leads to thought rebounding, where the thoughts that are attempted to be suppressed resurface and persist later. And, suppression strategies are linked with higher rates of anxiety and depression than other strategies which do, in fact, succeed in reducing anxiety. (Mindfulness-based strategies, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and other Cognitive Behavioral Therapy strategies are quite contrary to this approach.)
What you resist, persists. – C.G. Jung
The fact that you’re trying to suppress – or get rid of – the thought draws your attention to it. This very act communicates to you that this may be an important or dangerous thought … maybe you should pay attention to it, or scan for it if you are successful in suppressing it (rebounding, yes?).
Shoving the thoughts away, pushing away discomfort, is the essence of avoidance. And, when we avoid the uncomfortable things, the scary things … it makes the scary things scarier, the uncomfortable things intolerable, and negative thoughts about those experiences even more powerful.
What you feed will grow.
Directing frustrated, angry energy toward the negative thought, encourages more anger, frustration, and negative judgment. It serves as fuel, creating more negative thoughts and feelings.
Have you ever honked and yelled at a driver that cut you off? Thoughts of that interaction may continue to pop into your mind, and you may have a continual scowl, for the rest of your drive.
It is natural for your mind to wander. And, we train our minds to return to topics that are worrisome or upsetting. Yelling “Stop!” or “Stop it!” when your mind is engaged in a well in-grained habitual pattern, without giving it an alternative, only serves to increase the frustration – and even hopelessness and worthlessness – we already feel.
Self-criticism is an ineffective strategy to reach your goals.
We often think we need a critical voice to motivate us, to help us reach our goals, to give us a kick in the ass.
But, it’s becoming clear that we are much more likely to reach our goals when:
We accept the present moment as it is – I’m anxious right now. I can’t stop thinking about ______ and I’m really frustrated by it.
We are kind to ourselves – What would you say to a friend who was sharing these feelings with you? It’s okay to feel these feelings. I know this feels scary right now but you are strong and we’ll figure it out.
We recognize that we are only human – I’m not the only one who is anxious. I don’t think badly of my friends who experience anxiety and worry … how am I any different?
And from there create a reasonable next step – for example: Ask yourself how true the negative thought is. Engage in strategies to increase present moment awareness. Identify one step you can take in the direction of resolving the thing that is worrying you.
You’re neglecting to address the emotional component.
“STOP IT!” just identifies an unwanted thought and attempts to shove it away while making you feel badly about yourself and ignoring your emotional experience.
Shoving the thought aside and ignoring your feelings simply exacerbates the very things you’re trying to stop.
Yes, we must identify the negative thought. But, then there’s so much more work to do. We first want to see if we can disengage from it, not forceful in a thought stopping strategy, but with a mindfulness approach. Or, we can challenge the truthfulness of the thought, or reframe it.
And, oh yes! The feelings! We need to learn how to tolerate – and even embrace – negative feelings.
And, also identify and refrain from engaging in contributing behaviors as well.
So … “STOP IT!” Yelling at yourself, calling yourself names, and denying your own experience only makes your anxiety worse.
Where would you rather be putting your energy? What else would you rather be feeding and growing?
** Engaging in the present moment and living fully. Accepting yourself as you are. Subjecting your negative thoughts to nonjudgmental examination. Validating your feelings. Choosing healthier behaviors that help you confront your fears and embrace discomfort. **
And, these strategies actually work.
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This blog post is offered for educational purposes only and should not be confused as therapy or psychological care.