Getting Unstuck - Why New Year's Resolutions Fail

I’ll let you in on a secret …

The way long-term change actually happens isn’t sexy.

It’s December. We’re indulging.

But it’s all good. Because we’re going to make some resolutions, prioritize our health, get fit, get up early, meditate and journal regularly, spend more time with the kids, save money, get our finances in order … starting in the new year … right?

Hmmm …

Reading this, today, in mid-February, when we’ve “failed” … again … we can see this approach doesn’t work. But, we attempt it year after year.

Why?

We have the best of intentions. We have a plan. Why doesn’t it work?

Because we’re working with bad intel … let me explain.

But, first, what does the data tell us?

Click bait?

There’s a stat going around - that 80% of New Year’s resolutions fail by the second week of February. A psychologist wrote an article in U.S. News and World Report in 2015, sharing this information, which has since been widely cited. I can’t find a research study that supports this data point, and the writing psychologist offered no citation. (If anyone knows of it, or finds it, please send it my way!)

My review of the literature suggests the data is mixed.

In 1972, the first study of New Year’s resolutions, concluded that there was no difference in weight loss between those who made a resolution and those who did not. But, for those making resolutions unrelated to weight loss, 75% of people considered themselves successful after 15 weeks (Marlatt & Kaplan, 1972).

A 2002 study also suggested no differences between resolution makers and non-resolution makers (Koestner et al., 2002).

But, in another study, 77% of those making resolutions maintained their resolution for one week, 55% for one month, 43% for three months, 40% after six months, and 19% maintained their resolution for two years (Norcross & Vangarelli, 1988).

We know that readiness to change is related to more successful outcomes (Norcross et al., 1989; Norcross et al., 2002).

And, we also know that self-efficacy (believing you can succeed) and having the skills necessary to change leads to more successful outcomes (Norcross et al., 2002).

Finally, we know that approach-oriented goals lead to more successful outcomes than avoidance-oriented goals (Church et al., 2001; Elliot et al., 1997; Oscarsson et al., 2020). Approach-oriented goals have us moving toward something good. They are performance-oriented goals, positively-oriented goals, goals that have us moving toward success. Avoidance-oriented goals, then, are designed to have us moving away from something negative. These goals are focused on avoiding failure, pain, disappointment … and setting goals in that way is not motivating.

With regard to New Year’s resolutions, in the most recent study (Oscarsson et al., 2020), approach-oriented goals were found to be effective up to ONE YEAR LATER!

***** If your eyes glazed over … here’s the SUMMARY: *****

• some studies say making resolutions make no difference; but

• the most recent study says resolutions can be effective up to one year later, if framed up in the right way, that is, if we orient our goals to success rather than failure;

• we know that we need to be (1) ready to change, (2) believe we can succeed; and (3) have the skills necessary to make the changes we want to make.

So, why do New Year’s Resolutions fail?

We create resolutions for the wrong reasons.

01. The timing is arbitrary.

Quiz time! What did we learn from the data?

That readiness for change is associated with higher success.

So, when we start pursuing our goals based on an arbitrary date (the New Year), we neglect to consider whether we’re actually ready for change. (This issue is often in play when we start something new on the first of the month, or on a Monday too.)

What’s so special about the New Year, about January 1st? Although it feels like a fresh start, nothing in our readiness may have changed … so it fizzles.

02. We set a goal to fix something that’s wrong with us.

Something must change. We are not okay as we are. This is the year we’re going to address our weight, our finances, our diet, our mental health …

We don’t start from a place of strength and empowerment. We don’t start from a place of acceptance. Our goal originates from a place of diminishment, and our chances of success are therefore undermined.

03. We don’t go deep enough.

We focus on a ‘superficial’ goal. I don’t mean superficial as in emotionally shallow. But, I do mean superficial as in ‘on the surface.’

Let me explain.

An example may help. Diet and exercise, and weight loss, goals are the biggest New Year’s resolutions each year. We can set a goal to exercise more, lose weight, eat healthier - these are the ‘superficial’ goals, the surface goals, what will be executed …

But, we need to go deeper. Why do we want to exercise more, lose weight, eat healthier?

When we set the surface-level goal without exploring why it matters, we really struggle to accomplish the goal.

We frame up our goals in the wrong way.

01. Resolutions are often focused on moving us away from something negative.

Again, remember the data!

We are more successful when we create approach-oriented goals, rather than avoidance-oriented goals; that is, when we move toward something positive, rather than moving away from something negative.

Again, anchoring into the example of health-related goals, we may want to lose weight, exercise more, or eat healthier because we dislike our bodies, because we’re afraid we’re going to develop or worsen a health condition, or because we’re afraid we’ll never find a partner in our current bodies.

When we frame our goals in this way, it makes it more difficult to achieve them because moving away from negativity is not motivating.

02. We focus on delayed rewards.

Creating long-term goals is helpful and important.

But, focusing on delayed outcomes is not the best predictor of success (Woolley & Fishbach, 2017). We also need to include short-term, more interim goals.

03. And, we, fail to make it fun.

We make it a slog. We do it because we think we should. We do it because we’re trying to fix something that’s wrong, and we anchor it in the negative. Nothing fun about that.

We’re more likely to achieve our goals if we make it fun (Hochli et al., 2019).

Then, we set ourselves up for failure.

01. We set unreasonable goals.

This one’s a three-parter…

a.) We ignore past behavior.

We often set resolutions to achieve a goal we’ve made attempts to tackle before. But, we fail to take advantage of the gold mine of information that lives in our prior attempts. We nailed parts of it. And we stumbled with others.

But, we label the whole attempt as a failure (we’ll talk in more detail about black-and-white thinking shortly) and quit. Only to set the same goal, and try to achieve it in the same way, again —> Set up for failure.

b.) We ignore external factors and fail to anticipate stumbles.

Shit happens. But we don’t expect, or plan for, shit to happen. Our schedules are disrupted. The weather is bad. We get a new puppy and don’t sleep for three months.

Those things happen. And will continue to happen.

We stumble. We get off track. And, we label the whole attempt as a failure and quit. Only to later set the same goal, again fail to anticipate shit to happen —> Set up for failure.

c.) We also expect results right away.

The way long-term change actually happens isn’t sexy.

I’ll let you in on the secret: long-term change occurs when we start with small changes, and practice them consistently over time … and then add more small changes, and practice them consistently over time.

We don’t change everything in the weekend before the new year, start fresh on January 1st (or on a Monday), and, ‘Voila!',’ make everything different.

But, we think this is how it works. We start fresh, and expect everything to now suddenly be different. We expect the dramatic before and after moment. And, we want fast results.

Not only do we expect them, we must have them. But, when we inevitably don’t get them, we label the whole attempt as a failure. Later, we try again, and again expect fast results —> Set up for failure.

02. Self-doubt reigns. We don't believe in ourselves to get it done.

We’ve failed before. We’re gonna fail again.

And, because we don’t believe we’ll be successful, we fail —> Set up for failure.

03. We don’t know what we don’t know.

We have a general idea of how to achieve our goal. But, because we haven’t achieved it before, there’s going to, inevitably, be obstacles we encounter that we’ll need to figure out how to overcome.

And, remember, we fail to take advantage of the information regarding where we’ve stumbled previously, in our prior attempts, so that gold mine is ignored.

So, while we can anticipate and plan to the best of our ability, we’re going to miss things. There’s no way we have all the information, and can be fully prepared.

And, when that happens, we stumble, label the whole endeavor as a failure. And when we next try again in the same way —> Set up for failure.

And, then we evaluate our progress incorrectly.

01. ‘Black-and-white thinking’ abounds.

You can also think of it as ‘all-or-nothing,’ or ‘either-or,’ thinking.

I talk and write frequently about the power of our thinking to affect the way we feel and behave.

We’ve just explored all the way we set ourselves up for failure in goal-setting and in creating New Year’s resolutions. Inherent to that set up is how we label the outcome.

We view the outcomes as black or white, all or nothing, success or failure, perfect or terrible. That’s it. And that’s all. Either, or. No in between.

We fail to anticipate stumbles. And, although they’re inevitable, we categorize them as catastrophic failures rather than part of the journey.

There’s either the dark pit of failure, or the bright and shiny success. Black or white.

But, there’s so much grey. What happens to the grey?

Well … because it ain’t the bright and shiny success, it gets thrown into the dark pit of failure.

You see the faulty reasoning here, right? Unless we achieve our goal perfectly, all of our awesome attempts and effort and progress get thrown into the pit and labeled as failure.

02. We don’t set up a system of measurement.

When we don’t have an objective, measurable (numbers! we need numbers!) way to chart our progress, it’s easy to fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking.

When we have no measurement, we have no data, or evidence!, to challenge our label of failure.

And, even when we do have a system of measurement, we don’t often consider whether the data points we’ve chosen accurately paints the picture of success vs. failure. Pounds lost is a concrete, numerical measurement, for example, but it will most likely not be the most accurate way to track your progress. Be specific about your goal and how to measure it. Sure, measure pounds lost, but also consider what other data points can round out the picture: your measurements; how your clothes fit; the number of plants you’re eating; your blood pressure, cholesterol, and other health indicators; how far or how fast you can walk / run / bike / swim; the heaviest weights you can curl or press; or how many squats, burpees, or pushups you can do.

How to Set Goals to Succeed

01. Assess your readiness for change.

There are five stages of change (Prochaska & DiClemente, 1983).

When making New Year’s resolutions, we often think we’re in the Action (I’m doing it!) stage, but we may really be in Pre-Contemplation (I’m not ready), Contemplation (I’m getting ready), or Preparation (I’m ready!) stages.

The reason assessing readiness for change is important is because it helps us truly understand our starting place, and to then take the necessary steps to meet us where we are, rather than where we think we are.

When you’re attempting to assess your readiness for change, it’s helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• Are you motivated to make long-term changes?

• Have you identified or addressed potential obstacles to achieving your goal?

• Do you have a realistic picture of the goal you’d like to achieve and the path you’ll take to get there?

• Have you anticipated the emotions that will arise on this journey?

• Do you have support and accountability?

• Have you embraced the inherent challenges that will present themselves?

If you answered No to more than one of these questions, there are likely some additional preparatory work you’ll need to accomplish to move into readiness.

Thinking back over your past efforts and considering what obstacles you faced, what derailed you, what caused you to ‘fail,’ and quit, is also helpful in this process.

02. Put systems, accountability, and support in place from the beginning.

Readiness for change is an internal process.

But, what external systems, accountability, and support do you need to help you succeed?

• How will you create a system of data collection to measure your progress?

• How can you automate and create systems to support you?

• Who will be on your team? And, what role with they play? A mixture of personal and professional team members is often key.

And, please recognize that you’re going to take your best guess at what you need in the beginning. But, you’re going to miss some things. It’s okay. Add them in as you realize you need them!

03. Then, start where you are, and accept your starting place.

This is a hard one.

Because we’re often setting goals to fix something that we believe is wrong with us, we don’t accept our starting place.

But, accepting where we are today - right now! - is where we are today, and not beating ourselves up for it, is key to our success.

You might be thinking, “That’s great, Julia … but I’m overweight, my finances are a disaster, [insert what you believe is wrong with you here] … how can I accept it? It’s not okay!”

Here’s the truth: Whether you accept it or not, you are where you are. And, beating yourself up for the objective truth only makes it harder for you to achieve your goals.

We know that self-compassion is a facilitator of goal achievement (Neff et al., 2005). Acceptance is key to self-compassion.

Just try it. Accept that where you are starting is where you are starting … you’ll be starting there anyway … and see what changes.

04. Anchor your goals into your identity.

This one’s big.

“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” -- Jame Clear (2018)

Identify your ‘Why.’

Don’t just identify the goal you want to accomplish. Go deeper.

Why do you want to achieve this goal? What will you be able to do - how will you feel, how will your life be different - if you do so?

• Capture that answer with powerful language. Choose a word or phrase - a mantra - that epitomizes your answer. Perhaps use the following framework: “I am a person who ________.”

• Expound upon your answer with imagery. What will you, your life, look like if you achieve your goal? Perhaps it’s literal - you will be standing on top of a mountain after hiking to the top. Perhaps your image captures a feeling - a bird soaring free once you’ve eliminated your debt.

• And visualize. Imagine that you have achieved your goal and allow your imagination to capture as many details of that occurring as possible. Put yourself there.

05. Believe in yourself, and allow your confidence to build along the way.

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t -- you’re right.” -- Henry Ford

Challenge the accuracy of your thoughts when you think “I can’t,” “I’ve failed,” “I’ll never be able to do this.”

Remember how powerful your thoughts can be to create your feelings and affect your behavior.

And consider the possibility that just because you’re thinking it, doesn’t make it true.

Use the anchor you set deeply into your identity to remind you why you actually want to do this, challenge that negative self-talk, and remember aaaallll the shades of grey that don’t deserve to be thrown into the pit.

06. Make it fun and easy.

Yes. Really.

• Make it positive.

Set interim goals and ensure you receive rewards along the way.

Using the data you’re gathering, you’ll easily to be able to see when you’ve reduced your debt, or saved, a specific amount, or when you can walk a mile, do 10 pushups on your knees (and then on your toes!).

Set those goals in advance. And reward yourself for accomplishing them.

Celebrate your wins. Especially the ‘small’ ones - you don’t get to the ‘big’ ones without the ‘small’ ones!

• Make it fun.

If you don’t love running, please don’t run. Find another way to move your body that you actually enjoy.

Leverage what you already love to do, and incorporate it into the goal you want to achieve.

For example, if you love to read, listen to a really good book only while you’re walking. Or rewatch your favorite show from the beginning, but only when you’re on the treadmill.

• And, make it easy.

If you want to eat healthier, but don’t know how - or don’t like to - cook, consider a prepped meal delivery service. Or, begin buying, at least some, prepared dishes. Make it easy.

Get creative. I love coconut Greek yogurt and blueberries in the summer for breakfast or a snack. I put them in the produce drawer because I know I’ll go looking for them there. And I put my hummus and prepped veggies on the second shelf of the fridge, right in my face, to make it easy for me to remember they’re there and that, yes, I like hummus and veggies. If I put them in the produce bin, not so much. Make it easy.

Automate where you can. If you’re trying to save money, have what you’re able to save automatically directly deposited or transferred to another account; don’t make it be something extra, something manual you have to do. Make it easy.

07. Set SMART goals.

And, finally, make your goals:

Specific

Make this goal as specific and clear as possible.

Add as much detail as you can.

Use your ‘W’s’ - who, what, when, where, and how to do so.

Measurable

Back to the data. Objective data.

What data points - what evidence - can you gather and track?

How will you know when you’ve accomplished your goal? Be able to calculate when you’re 25% there, halfway there, 75% there, 95% there!!!

Tie the data into creating rewards and making it fun as you see yourself moving closer and closer toward achieving your goal.

Achievable

Make it realistic.

Is this something you can accomplish? Is this something you have power over?

It’s just not true that anything’s possible. And it’s just not true that you can be anything you want to be, or achieve anything you set your mind to.

Reality does place restrictions on what we can accomplish.

For example, I’m under 5’4” tall. It was never in the cards for me to be an Olympic beach volleyball player.

Relevant

Make sure your goal is meaningful and actually matters to you.

Does it align with your values? Or, are you doing it because you think you should?

Does it sync up with the long-term vision of your life?

Time sensitive

What is a reasonable period of time for you to be able to achieve your goal?

What can you accomplish in six weeks, six months, a year?

Use time as a guideline, not as a definitive all-or-nothing deadline.

I repeat: Use time as a guideline. We need to protect against you looking ahead, seeing that you’re “behind,” “will never make it in time,” and then quitting.

** BONUS RESOURCE **: If you’re looking for additional guidance in how to achieve your health goals, check out this blog post - and free guide - from my friend and colleague, clinical health psychologist, Dr. Shawn Hondorp.

08. Expect to stumble.

I repeat: Expect. To. Stumble.

Expect stumbles and frustrations and setbacks. And, view them as part of the journey, rather than as failures.

Remember, the way long-term change actually happens isn’t sexy.

And, remember the secret I shared: long-term change occurs when we start with small changes, and practice them consistently over time … and then add more small changes, and practice them consistently over time.

“Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement … the effects of your habits multiply as you repeat them. They seem to make little difference on any given day and yet the impact they deliver over the months and years can be enormous.” -- James Clear (from Atomic Habits, 2018).

We’re looking for a general trend up, not a direct straight line up. What I mean is you’ll be on track, then you’ll stumble, you’ll get back on track, and you’ll stumble again.

Sometimes what we get is two steps forward, one step back. What we focus on are the single steps back, rather than the continual progress achieved by the twice-as-many steps forward.

Focus on your forward progress, and accept that we can’t avoid all the stumbles, we can only choose how to respond to them.

Concluding Thoughts

You can do this!

Yes you CAN set goals - and resolutions - and achieve them! I hope this post helps you to accept and embrace where you are today, right now; to see how your own thoughts and behaviors may be undermining where you want to go; and how to overcome your own unique obstacles.

Did you make a resolution this year? If so, what was it? Have you stuck to it? If not, what’s getting in your way?

Did this post help you to see your own goal setting differently? If so, how?

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References

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