How to Practice Gratitude - Even, and Most Especially, When Things Suck
Gratitude is not fluff, nor is it toxic positivity.
The goal of grateful living is not to pretend that everything’s fine, or to live in a fantasy world populated by puppies and rainbows and unicorns…
In fact, gratitude is most especially important at the worst times of our lives.
There is a lovely commercial called Christmas Presents. It depicts a man waking up to discover things we can easily take for granted (being alive!, electricity, running water), and some things we may even complain about (work), and encountering them as wrapped presents. (It’s less than two minutes and, I think, worth watching). It’s such a lovely way to introduce the concept of gratitude.
What is gratitude?
Robert Emmons, a professor at the University of California, Davis, and the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, tells us that gratitude has two key components: 1. affirmation of the good things we receive, and 2. acknowledgment of the role that other people play in providing the goodness in our lives. That is, we need to identify the good things in our lives. And, we also need to recognize that we are not wholly responsible for all of those things, and give credit to other people for our successes.
David Steindl-Rast is a Benedictine monk, and a writer and teacher on the topics of gratefulness and gratitude. His TED talk, entitled ‘Want to Be Happy? Be Grateful,’ has been viewed over 8 million times, and is one of the best things on the internet. Brother David describes gratitude as requiring recognition that we have received something of value, and that what has been received has been given as a gift.
Coinciding with Dr. Emmons’ definition, Brother David acknowledges the requirement that true gratefulness requires that we acknowledge that the good things, perhaps the very best things, in our lives, have not been earned.
Why is this detail so important?
Because framing gratefulness in this way challenges our thinking. And, as we’ve previously discussed, changing our thinking changes our feelings, and our behavior, and how we are in the world, ultimately being a powerful force to change our lives.
Dr. Emmons offers, in a discussion of the challenges to practicing gratitude, a number of ways in which gratitude changes our thinking:
01. Gratitude challenges our self-serving bias.
It’s easy to take credit for good things that happen in our lives, and to externalize blame when things go wrong - that’s the self-serving bias (a cognitive distortion) in action.
But, when we’re grateful, we turn that bias on its head: we can acknowledge (1) that others had a role to play in the good things happening in our lives, or (2) that we haven’t earned such goodness - it has simply been given to us, rather than taking full credit ourselves.
02. Gratitude requires that we accept life as it is.
Melody Beattie writes, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.”
Gratitude allows us to let go of attempting to control our environment, to see it - and accept it - for what it is, and be grateful for it, as it is, without needing to change it.
03. And, gratitude challenges the just world hypothesis.
We get what we deserve, right? Good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people … right? (Yes, the just world hypothesis - or the just world fallacy - is another cognitive distortion).
Gratitude turns this one on its head too. In fact, when we practice gratitude we often realize that we get more than what we deserve. Dr. Emmons points out: “This goes against a message we get a lot in our contemporary culture: that we deserve the good fortune that comes our way, that we’re entitled to it. If you deserve everything, if you’re entitled to everything, it makes it a lot harder to be grateful for anything.”
Why does gratitude matter?
As we’ve previously discussed, our thoughts - our self-talk, what we tell ourselves - are hugely powerful determinants of our emotional experiences. Believing the self-serving bias, wishing your life were different than it is, and believing the just world hypothesis foster negative emotional wellbeing: in fact, such thoughts contribute to depression and anxiety.
It makes sense, right? If you believe you are the only one responsible for the good things that happen in your life, how much pressure do you put on yourself? If you live trying to control your environment and refusing to accept things the way they actually are (particularly when you cannot change them), how are you likely to feel? And, if you believe that bad things only happen to bad people, and then bad things happen to you, how do you cope?
Inviting in the practice of gratitude offers an alternative. As we’ve discussed, gratitude requires us to think differently, and when we change how we think, we harness the power to change our lives.
Not surprisingly, when we do so, there are some really positive benefits.
Gratitude and your emotions
01. Gratitude is correlated with reduced anxiety and depression.
How? Given our discussion thus far, you will not be surprised to know that practicing gratitude reduces repetitive negative thinking. And, in one study, a randomized clinical trial, the effects of practicing gratitude for a period of five weeks lasted for 6 months! (Heckendorf, et al., 2019).
02. Practicing gratitude has been found to improve our overall emotional wellbeing, or our happiness.
We are more optimistic and feel better about our lives when we practice gratitude (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
03. And, the practice of gratitude is associated with greater self-esteem (Chih-Che, 2015).
Gratitude in your physical body
01. When we practice gratitude, we exercise more (Emmons & McCullough, 2003)
02. We report fewer physical symptoms (Emmons & McCullough, 2003)
03. And our experience of pain is reduced (Swain et al., 2018)
04. We also get more sleep, and report better sleep quality (Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Digdon & Koble, 2011; Wood et al., 2009)
Gratitude in your relationships
01. People practicing gratitude are more likely to engage in prosocial behavior.
That is, they are more likely to help, and offer emotional support, to others (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
02. They also report a greater sense of connectedness to others (Emmons & McCullough, 2003)
03. And, everyday practices of gratitude serves as a booster shot to romantic relationships.
Gratitude was found to increase relationship connection and satisfaction (Algoe, et al., 2010)
How to practice gratitude
The goal of grateful living
Brother David teaches us that the goal is grateful living. He tells us that we must understand that “every moment is a given moment” and appreciate each moment as “a new gift over and over.” We must not take these moments for granted because we cannot ensure we will receive another one.
He goes on to explain that “the gift within the gift is the opportunity. What you are really grateful for is the opportunity, not the thing that is given to you.”
That is, we are really aiming to be grateful for the opportunity that each moment provides.
But … what if everything sucks?
Okay, we’re grateful for the opportunity that each moment provides … great. But … we have no control over what the moment will yield. The moment is unpredictable. And, because we’re working to challenge the just world hypothesis, we know that bad things can happen to good people.
So, how can we be grateful for the opportunity that each moment provides … when the moment may yield something negative?
Sometimes we’re grateful for the outcome, but sometimes we’re not. Sometimes the outcome is awful. We know bad things do happen to good people. But, because we’re grateful for the opportunity, we recognize that we must rise to the challenge of that opportunity and learn something, take something away from the experience.
There are extremely difficult things we go through - experiences we would never wish to repeat, things we would never wish to happen to anyone else - that we may not wish had never happened. (The double negative makes it squirrely, right? I know. Let me clarify.) That is, we wouldn’t want to repeat it, but we’re glad we made it through, and we’re grateful for what we learned from the experience (if not for the experience itself). Do you see the difference? We strive to be grateful for the opportunity each moment provides, even if we don’t end up being grateful for the outcome.
We go through hard things. We struggle. And we learn things - things about ourselves, things about the world, skills to cope … things we could learn no other way. Growth comes through struggle. And, without this thing we went through, we wouldn’t be who we are today. Brother David emphasizes this idea by saying that “to learn” and “to suffer” are opportunities that allow us to experience the “wonderful richness of life.”
I’d like to emphasize that gratitude is not fluffy. It’s not just blowing smoke. And, it’s definitely not toxic positivity. The goal of grateful living is not to pretend that everything’s fine, or to live in a fantasy world populated by puppies and rainbows and unicorns.
Just as gratitude requires that we acknowledge the good in our lives, we must also be realistic. To fully appreciate the good, we must also acknowledge that things are hard. And sometimes things are really, really hard.
Gratitude is not just for good days, sunny days, days when things are going well, days when it’s easy to be grateful. Gratitude is also, even moreso, relevant when you lose your job, when a loved one dies … and during a global pandemic. Gratitude is present in war zones, and in stories of Holocaust survivors (Fox et al., 2015).
Gratitude is most especially important at the worst times of our lives. When we’re going through the very worst experiences of our lives, gratitude can be a lifeline. It’s protection against depression. It prevents us from completing succumbing to despair and hopelessness. Because even in our most awful moments, we can identify goodness in our lives, and doing so is protective of our emotional wellbeing. It helps to keep us whole, to come out the other side.
Gratitude Practices
01. A super simple intervention: Each morning, complete the following three statements:
I love __________.
I am grateful for __________.
Today, I am looking forward to __________.
Do it in the morning, as soon as you wake up. Put a Post-It note on your bedside table or your bathroom mirror as a cue, a reminder. You don’t have to write them down. But, you do have to really think about them, picture them in your mind - as opposed to just naming them - as you fill in the blanks.
02. Keep a gratitude journal.
Regularly write down things for which you are grateful.
Do so three times weekly. And less is more. Data suggests that three times weekly is more effective than daily (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).
I love these instructions for more concrete direction.
03. Stop. Look. Go.
This is Brother David’s intervention.
Stop - “Don’t rush through life. We miss the opportunity because we don’t stop.”
Look - “Open your eyes, your ears, your nose - all your senses - the richness of life.”
Go - “Whatever life offers to you in that present moment, in this opportunity, go with it.”
04. Challenge your thinking with the Even Though strategy. I love this put it in your pocket, on the go intervention.
Complete the following statement: Even though __________, __________.
The ‘Even Though’ prompts you to plug in the negativity, and the comma prompts you to respond with something to balance it.
05. Connect to others.
06. Say thank you, and tell people you love them.
07. Write letters of gratitude.
08. Random acts of kindness.
09. Use your social media feed for good. Fill it with pages that make you feel good about yourself and cultivate gratitude (as social media can often do the opposite).
10. Gratitude meditation. And another one!
Concluding Thoughts
I know, in this moment, it’s so very hard for many of us to be grateful. But, I encourage you to think about gratitude not as a sickeningly sweet, toxically positive, way of trying to make yourself feel better; but, rather, as an acknowledgement of the things that are hard and difficult (and maybe even truly devastating), but that other things are good.
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References
Algoe, S.B., et al. (2010). It's the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, Volume 17 (2), 217-233
Chih-Che Lin. (2015). Self-esteem mediates the relationship between dispositional gratitude and well-being, Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 85, 145-148
Digdon, N., & Koble, A. (2011). Effects of Constructive Worry, Imagery Distraction, and Gratitude Interventions on Sleep Quality: A Pilot Trial. Applied Psychology: Health and Well‐Being, Vol 3 (2), 193-206
Emmons, R.A., & McCullough, M.E. (2003). Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 84 (2), 377–389
Fox GR, Kaplan J, Damasio H and Damasio A (2015) Neural correlates of gratitude. Front. Psychol. 6:1491.
Heckendorf, H., et al. (2019). Efficacy of an internet and app-based gratitude intervention in reducing repetitive negative thinking and mechanisms of change in the intervention's effect on anxiety and depression: Results from a randomized controlled trial. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 119.
N. Swain, B. Lennox Thompson, S Gallagher, J. Paddison & S Mercer (2020) Gratitude Enhanced Mindfulness (GEM): A pilot study of an internet-delivered programme for self-management of pain and disability in people with arthritis, The Journal of Positive Psychology, 15:3, 420-426
Alex M. Wood, Stephen Joseph, Joanna Lloyd, Samuel Atkins (2009). Gratitude influences sleep through the mechanism of pre-sleep cognitions. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, Volume 66, Issue 1, 43-38.